So Just what is Unconditional Love? Can it be defined?

After many years of working with “energy” and meeting many “healing practitioners”, I started to observe certain themes among people, be they church goers or “new age collective consciousness” type folk. They all talked and espoused “unconditional love” and they were so often very cruel, harsh and unkind in the way that they lived their lives of judgement and exclusion. Additionally - many were incredibly self absorbed and quite repelling to be around for any length of time.  A few years ago I entered the field of community support, with the vision of actively working in the community to empower individuals to live a more fulfilled life, in my vision I saw my new role as "actively walking my talk". I was no longer just speaking about the world I felt I saw in my mind, but actively in the community helping those people with the greatest needs - the homeless, the poor, substance abusers etc.. all of these conditions quite often can lead a person to at least a short time of emotional and psychological instability. 


I became more exposed to people working in the health field such as Medical Practitioners, Nurses, Substance abuse counsellors and Facilitators, Child Protection agencies and organisations, Qualified Psychologists, Social Workers, Counsellors and Mentoring Services for people who had experienced any number of traumas, and also including victims of child sexual abuse. While I do agree with many folk that not all practitioners in these areas are “worth the money you pay”. What I also learned was that it is not necessarily wise to discount the services these groups of people have to offer to the greater community. There is a perception amongst many "wounded healers", that the mind is nothing and the heart is all their is. This is not something I agree with - I believe that they are both as important as each other. If we disregard our heart, then we create a living hell on earth for ourselves. If we disregard the mind - then we also create a living hell on earth for ourselves. If we go through our lives disregarding our sense of logic, then we can often create very REAL and difficult problems for ourselves in our physical existence. What many wounded healers don't realise is that many mental health professionals have already walked the path of the "wounded healer", and have chosen to step into the field of mental health expert. The issue here is exactly the same as with finding a competent spiritual advisor. They are few and far between and we have to be very discerning in whose information we take on board and not prejudge an individual based on our previous or personal experiences, although if previous and past experience has been painful it might be wise to approach with caution. Not everyone is as they appear to be on a superficial level. 


I  have been blessed to have some of these wonderful, dedicated workers as my friends and colleagues, including one very dedicated and spiritual psychotherapist with mainstream qualifications to assist in addressing behavioral problems. Very recently in discussion with this Psychotherapist I expressed my malcontent with the “Spiritual Industry”. That is, that they talk about unconditional love – but clearly don't know the first thing about how to be unconditionally loving. This lead to a wonderful discussion and a “brainstorm” of what unconditional love is based on our own definition and description, and in the process it is very clear to see where things fall down and how things can backfire on us, as we strive to live and walk our “talk”. I have actually now decided it is my own self empowerment tool. When situations arise that I am not comfortable with - I refer to it and ask myself the question of "within this situation - what are the areas that are causing me discomfort" and by establishing the areas I am then able to actively make decisions about my life and my relationships, and where I am best to focus my attention. 

Here is a summary of what we established in our brainstorming:

One must first love oneself unconditionally – because if we don’t then we run the risk of compromising all the other points and in the process neglect and dishonour our personal truth and comfort and reduce our capacity to be loving and kind to those around us. It is worth bearing in mind – that loving self has nothing to do with ego, and it certainly doesn't mean being unkind to those people around us as we live our truths and practice what we preach.

1. EQUALITY – where the balance of power is shared and neither person is more superior than another. Where no one is subservient to the other, and where there is the fostering of independent empowerment. 
2.   RESPECT – is the capacity be considered, and considerate. To both listen to others and to be able to be heard by others (and understood). 
3.   TRUST- the intention of both parties is good and kind, and there is reliability and consistency in their actions and intentions (which can also be called integrity). 
   
4.   FIDELITY - Where there is ongoing loyalty and support to teach other. 
5. CARING – is different to caring for. We can care about others, and we can care about ourselves. As empowerers, however, taking care of another person is dis-empowering and fosters and creates dependency of one individual on another. Sometimes it is relevant if a person is unable to take care of themselves for example, but if a person is full bodied and mentally able, to take care of themselves then – we encourage and assist them to be as independent as possible
6. CLEAR BOUNDARIES – by having clear boundaries and clearly defined “lines in the sand”, we are able to take good care of ourselves and maintain our health. These boundaries also assist others to know and create their own boundaries. 
7. OPEN AND HONEST COMMUNICATION – Is pivotal for conflict resolution and can even disarm conflict. However, in the process we can choose to communicate with love, kindness, compassion and clarity and still maintain our truth and integrity. 
   
8.   NEGOTIATION AND COMPROMISE- where we discuss boundaries and are respectful of each others personal comfort levels. The negotiation compromise works to minimise discomfort toward the best possible outcome for all parties. 
   
9.   FUN AND JOY- Is our capacity to feel light and bright and loving and by following the above points, to be able to feel lighter and be a shining light to those that are feeling “darker”. 
   
10.   INNER PEACE – is the sense of fulfilment we receive by maintaining our self love in a way that allows us to live with integrity and love. It is the capacity to lie in bed and sleep “straight at night”, knowing that we are living and walking our truth and that this is recognised by others also. 

In a perfect world of unconditional love - these attributes would be adhered to, and if there become a desire to "part ways" it would be done in a way devoid of judgement and recrimination but with acceptance, good will and kindness. We are all growing at all times – and therefore we are all works in progress!